Nur eine traurige Schildkröte :(

It hurts.

Life sucks. --

Me he presentado al examen y de las 3h me he quedado 30mins. No he entregado nada. Me duele y me duele. Quiero sentirme escuchado, quiero que ella aprenda, que se lleve un tortazo, que se de cuenta de que la vida no funciona como ella quiere. Que lo que hizo fue un engaño. Que ocultarme con quién habla, con quién quedaba, sus dolores, sus alegrias era engañarme. Que no compartir su vida conmigo tras 2 años de relación es un engaño. Que nunca me incluyó en su vida cuando yo sí lo hice. Cuando ella me soltaba la mano cuando estábamos en público tras más de un año de relación por miedo a que lo viera algún vecino es ocultarme y eso hace daño. Mucho daño. Que me hablara del cambio cuando ella nunca cambió. Cuando ella pensaba que sus propios padres no eran capaces de cambiar, que debían separarse porque eso era lo mejor para todos, que no había otra opción de mejora.

Es una pija, un parásito. Lo peor es que si ella me pidiera volver lo aceptaría sin pensarlo dos veces. Lo más doloroso de una ruptura no es el daño que el otro te hace, sino todo lo bueno que hizo.

Tengo que aguantar hasta el viernes. Hablar con mis padres. Esperar que el tiempo ponga las cosas en su sitio.

Getting my life back together. --

I can't continue to live like this. I must study, get a new job and change my life. I made a quick plan list on my notebook:

It's a very simple list of things, but I believe they will allow me to improve myself and keep moving forward. The workout plan is very simple which is what I need to start this new habit. I'm a tall skinny guy (1.87m; 67kg), I have a healthy weight but could up it easily if I add some muscle. I am physically weak and I hope that by starting to do some exercices I can become stronger both physically and mentally. I have thought of incorporating some running to this routine but for now I'll keep things simple.

I need action in my life. I need to find a purpose, a project, a hobby, a person who I work for and towards in order to keep going. I've sucked up a lot of personal growth propaganda and I'm tired of it. I'm trying to avoid becoming a pessimist again, loosing hope in life brings you nowhere.

I'm regretting my career choices. I don't like engineering, I enjoy talking with people, I like solving real problems and life is simple. I don't care about integrals of closed surfaces. I believe you can do get great things whith much simpler things. Most people just want simplicity in their lives. At least that's what I want. I don't want a new fancy laptop. I want something light with just enough power to run vim and a simple web browser. I want simplicity. I want more mechanical things in my life. A simple pocket watch, a typewritter, a flashlight. I don't want a phone to all those things for me. It seems convinient but it justs brings trouble. I want to keep things simple. I think about the times I've been in poorer countries and that with very simple improvements their lives could be significantly improved. Modern life is so full of luxuries and bullshit that simple things become complicated. This doesn't apply exclusively to physical processes and tasks but also to social interaction. I feel like nowadays you can't speak with most people without having to overthink what they will think or how it will make them feel and go through all the social norms which just complicate social interaction. I want a simple life.

I feel more isolated as time passes. When I was a kid I was surrounded by other people at school. I played with them, I talked with everyone: from students to teachers. When I did extracurriculars I also made friends and had to interact with others. As time passed and I went to high school everyone was already established in their little group myself included. Now, instead of interacting with 70% of the classroom on a daily basis I went to only speak with 20%. Then I moved on to uni, I don't know the vast majority of people, I wouldn't even recognize their name or faces most of the time. I know 5 people and that's it. I've ocasionally spoken with others but after the conversation is over there is never a followup. People are nice when you get to know them, however a lot of people isolate themselves, it's hard to get people to initiate and I try my hardest to casually ask people how they are doing, to linger around social events, to include others in my group, still, I feel alone and isolated. You can enjoy socializing for a few hours, but those people never get to know you at a deeper level and neither do you to know them. I believe going into engineering was a major mistake as the atmosphere there is not ideal if you like social interactions. I also liked philosophy, law and finances. Maybe I need to consider changing.

Currently I work a fake job. It's fully remote, have a call with my boss once per week and I'm free to manage my time however I want as long as I finish my tasks by the deadline. It's so full of bureaucracy and doesn't actually help anyone. If I didn't have my current job literally nobody would notice. I don't bring anything useful to society. My current goal is to save up until I have 10k in my bank account and then I can focus on starting my own projects and contribute to society in some way.

For the longest time I've though of writing down my philosophy, my manifesto. I think this summer is a great time to work on it. Reflect on my personal perspectives, structure my thoughts and values. What do I want to do with my life? Who do I want to help? Do I want a family? What can I contribute? How can I redeem myself? I need to think less and act more.

New day, old me. --

I really can't stop thinking about her, I have an important exam coming up and I can't find the will to study, I just can't be bothered. This is amplified by the fact that because I got good grades on my other examns I can choose to not go to the exam, however, I did want to go, and uh, this is so tiring and confusing. I feel pain in my chest, I loose the ability to breathe, it just sucks. I mindlessly scroll on Instagram reels until I see the kinds of posts she liked: "when you can't trust anyone to tell your problems", "when you are so lonely because all your friends left you", "when you had to survive an abusive family". Why? Why? Just, why? Why couldn't she just tell me the things which bothered her? Why could she also not tell me the things she enjoyed, her little achievements? I feel like our relationship was so negative. Everything was a drama, the bad stuff. When I brought up my little joys I felt like I was shut down. I've been alone for too long.

Even though we were together, I now feel like it was all a lie, as if in reality I was alone all this time. Sure, she could distract me, but I didn't know her, I didn't know what was going on in her day to day life. She told me some small details like what she had for breakfast, but never: I am feeling X or Y. Never, I am excited for this. She never told me when she made plans with her friends, she just texted them and if I just happened to want to meet up with her that day she would tell me that 3 weeks ago she had planned to meet with Z. Is this not basic communication? She always made me feel like I'm some sort of control freak and lunatic for wanting to know who she made plans with, with whom she talked online. Why did she speak with men much older than her and I couldn't even get to know what kinds of things they talked about or how did they get to know? How is it normal for a 20 year old girl to speak with a 45 year old guy from another country she met online and tell nothing to his boyfriend and act as if it wasn't a big deal?

I want to invade her space, tear everything apart. Help her. She needs help. She needs to see a mental health professional. Her self-esteem was so low she couldn't look herself in the mirror. She avoided appearing in pictures at all costs. But it is all so confusing. When she made plans with others, she always made sure to be all well dressed up, got her hair done, used some cologne. With me, she never ever did that. She repeatedly showed up late with messy hair, an old sweater and ugly jeans. Meanwhile, if I didn't shave my beard for one day she complained that it looked ugly and was spiky. We lived 50mins away using public transport and guess who had to travel to her every single time?? I don't want to complain, I didn't really care, it's not like each of these invididual things is so relevant, but I feel like I put in so much effort and that it was not reciprocated. If I didn't text her, most of the time I would not get any messages. I can't stress enough how little included I felt in her life. I am so dissappointed. She constantly talked about how important it was to express our feelings, to not keep them to ourselves, to change. And even though I told her, no changed ever happened. In her breakup message she even mentioned it. Change.

That line triggered me. She told me how I had told her in the past that I did not believe that change was really possible, that people mostlt stay how they are. I still think that holds, and of course, I do believe people can change, but it's hard. People are the way they are and even if they want to change, it's a process that can take years and years and never be complete. The reason for which it triggered me so much is: I've tried to change, you have not. When she told me things I did which she did not like I tried as hard as I could to change and to stop those habits. She hated when I made nonsensical jokes (like sending her sentences with no actual meaning: "chicken moon will paint a fellowship"). I get they are not really funny, I just felt goofy while sending those kinds of things and the confussion they caused made me laugh. It was like a small dadaism piece of art. As soon as she told me to stop with those jokes I avoided them, as soon as she told me anything I did annoyed her, I tried my best to change. And change fast, something tangible, something that could be seen. Her? I never really saw her change. One year into our relationship she was still paranoid of people seeing her holding hands with me on the streets. Her rationale was that her neighbours could see and talk about her and idk???? Even though I told her countless times how much it hurt me that her actions made me feel like I was something to be ashamed of and that she had to hide, despite telling her, instead of CHANGING, hold my hand in public without letting me go because of her paranoia, she told me it had nothing to do with me and that she felt "sorry". Yeah. I too feel sorry for the times I've hurt you. But, I always tried to change. I always shaved because you liked it more that way. I always wore that perfume you told me you liked. Why couldn't you show me your love with actions? Why did I have to always hug and kiss you and it barely never happened the other way? Am I that ugly? Am I that unlovable? Why did you tell me you loved me when you couldn't trust me with the small details of your life? Why did you tell me you trusted me when you actively hid things from me? Why did you almost have an anxiety attack when I grabbed your phone to use the calculator IN FRONT OF YOU, and you unlocked the phone for me?

Everything I feel is so chaotic and desorganized and confusing. I feel like I'm in a state of constant contradiciton. I find things you did well and things with which you screwed me over.

You knew my sister had planned to kill herself and was actively hurting herself, you knew it for a long time. Instead of telling me or looking for outside help you kept quiet to protect her "privacy". You ruined my and her life. Was hidding all those things from me not lying? Did you not tell me because you trusted me so much? I've been through a lot and I can't deal with it. I told you multiple times what was bothering me, it was always the same little "details", yet you never changed. I gave up. I stopped trying to have arguments, to talk things out, because every time I did, nothing changed. It was always my fault. My expectations were not realistic. FUCK YOU. All the people see you as an innocent angel, yet you hurt me so much. You ignored my basic necessities. You always thought that I was mad if I did not include a heart emoji in my reply. If I was tired you just assumed I was mad at you even when I told you I wasn't and that I was just tired. Everything about you is so tiring. If we went to the movies we always had to see some animation film from Disney even though I didn't really enjoy them. What I did enjoy was spending time with you. I would go watch those movies a thousand times just because you liked them. But, why couldn't we do something I liked?

I just want to see you, to hug you, to ask if you are okay. To cry together. To be human. To feel loved. I really do love you. I just want you to know that I am willing to change, to adapt, to go through these hard times. I don't want to give up. Feeling like it's over just hurts me more.

Horray! Finally a website. --

I've been hurting so so much lately. My ex dumped me shy of two weeks ago. It hurts. It really flipping does. I can't get over her. Years of effort, of talking, of good memories; and in one instant, over text, she ended it all. Was I partly at fault? Of course. I'm not perfect, nobody is, but the fact that she ended it all so coldly, with such distance destroyed me. No contact. Suddenly, everything I enjoyed became a burden. My studies, my exams, all left aside just to ponder: why? how did we get here? Just 2 days before ending things off with me we spent a lovely evening at our favourite place and she didn't mention any issues, why could she not trust me? It hurts.

The purpose of this "blog" is to document everything, to let it be seen. To distract myself. It's dirty, poorly written, not stylish, but who cares? Who cares about this stupid website? More importantly: who cares about me? I am left with zero friends and just one mate from uni with whom I vaguely speak with. Since the breakup I've lost 4kg and my BMI is nearly crossing that of being underweight *sighs*. I'm just tired man. After my family got used to her, after I got used to her family, she ended it. Why? Does she really not have any feelings? How can she avoid texting me anything? Why can we not talk face to face like grown-ups? She's hurt me a lot.