New day, old me.
I really can't stop thinking about her, I have an important exam coming up and I can't find the will to study, I just can't be bothered. This is amplified by the fact that because I got good grades on my other exams I can choose to not go to the exam, however, I did want to go, and uh, this is so tiring and confusing. I feel pain in my chest, I loose the ability to breathe, it just sucks. I mindlessly scroll on Instagram reels until I see the kinds of posts she liked: "when you can't trust anyone to tell your problems", "when you are so lonely because all your friends left you", "when you had to survive an abusive family". Why? Why? Just, why? Why couldn't she just tell me the things which bothered her? Why could she also not tell me the things she enjoyed, her little achievements? I feel like our relationship was so negative. Everything was a drama, the bad stuff. When I brought up my little joys I felt like I was shut down. I've been alone for too long.
Even though we were together, I now feel like it was all a lie, as if in reality I was alone all this time. Sure, she could distract me, but I didn't know her, I didn't know what was going on in her day to day life. She told me some small details like what she had for breakfast, but never: I am feeling X or Y. Never, I am excited for this. She never told me when she made plans with her friends, she just texted them and if I just happened to want to meet up with her that day she would tell me that 3 weeks ago she had planned to meet with Z. Is this not basic communication? She always made me feel like I'm some sort of control freak and lunatic for wanting to know who she made plans with, with whom she talked online. Why did she speak with men much older than her and I couldn't even get to know what kinds of things they talked about or how did they get to know? How is it normal for a 20 year old girl to speak with a 45 year old guy from another country she met online and tell nothing to his boyfriend and act as if it wasn't a big deal?
I want to invade her space, tear everything apart. Help her. She needs help. She needs to see a mental health professional. Her self-esteem was so low she couldn't look herself in the mirror. She avoided appearing in pictures at all costs. But it is all so confusing. When she made plans with others, she always made sure to be all well dressed up, got her hair done, used some cologne. With me, she never ever did that. She repeatedly showed up late with messy hair, an old sweater and ugly jeans. Meanwhile, if I didn't shave my beard for one day she complained that it looked ugly and was spiky. We lived 50mins away using public transport and guess who had to travel to her every single time?? I don't want to complain, I didn't really care, it's not like each of these individual things is so relevant, but I feel like I put in so much effort and that it was not reciprocated. If I didn't text her, most of the time I would not get any messages. I can't stress enough how little included I felt in her life. I am so disappointed. She constantly talked about how important it was to express our feelings, to not keep them to ourselves, to change. And even though I told her, no changed ever happened. In her breakup message she even mentioned it. Change.
That line triggered me. She told me how I had told her in the past that I did not believe that change was really possible, that people mostly stay how they are. I still think that holds, and of course, I do believe people can change, but it's hard. People are the way they are and even if they want to change, it's a process that can take years and years and never be complete. The reason for which it triggered me so much is: I've tried to change, you have not. When she told me things I did which she did not like I tried as hard as I could to change and to stop those habits. She hated when I made nonsensical jokes (like sending her sentences with no actual meaning: "chicken moon will paint a fellowship"). I get they are not really funny, I just felt goofy while sending those kinds of things and the confusion they caused made me laugh. It was like a small Dadaism piece of art. As soon as she told me to stop with those jokes I avoided them, as soon as she told me anything I did annoyed her, I tried my best to change. And change fast, something tangible, something that could be seen. Her? I never really saw her change. One year into our relationship she was still paranoid of people seeing her holding hands with me on the streets. Her rationale was that her neighbours could see and talk about her and idk???? Even though I told her countless times how much it hurt me that her actions made me feel like I was something to be ashamed of and that she had to hide, despite telling her, instead of CHANGING, hold my hand in public without letting me go because of her paranoia, she told me it had nothing to do with me and that she felt "sorry". Yeah. I too feel sorry for the times I've hurt you. But, I always tried to change. I always shaved because you liked it more that way. I always wore that perfume you told me you liked. Why couldn't you show me your love with actions? Why did I have to always hug and kiss you and it barely never happened the other way? Am I that ugly? Am I that unlovable? Why did you tell me you loved me when you couldn't trust me with the small details of your life? Why did you tell me you trusted me when you actively hid things from me? Why did you almost have an anxiety attack when I grabbed your phone to use the calculator IN FRONT OF YOU, and you unlocked the phone for me?
Everything I feel is so chaotic and disorganized and confusing. I feel like I'm in a state of constant contradiction. I find things you did well and things with which you screwed me over.
You knew my sister had planned to kill herself and was actively hurting herself, you knew it for a long time. Instead of telling me or looking for outside help you kept quiet to protect her "privacy". You ruined my and her life. Was hiding all those things from me not lying? Did you not tell me because you trusted me so much? I've been through a lot and I can't deal with it. I told you multiple times what was bothering me, it was always the same little "details", yet you never changed. I gave up. I stopped trying to have arguments, to talk things out, because every time I did, nothing changed. It was always my fault. My expectations were not realistic. FUCK YOU. All the people see you as an innocent angel, yet you hurt me so much. You ignored my basic necessities. You always thought that I was mad if I did not include a heart emoji in my reply. If I was tired you just assumed I was mad at you even when I told you I wasn't and that I was just tired. Everything about you is so tiring. If we went to the films we always had to see some animation film from Disney even though I didn't really enjoy them. What I did enjoy was spending time with you. I would go watch those films a thousand times just because you liked them. But, why couldn't we do something I liked?
I just want to see you, to hug you, to ask if you are okay. To cry together. To be human. To feel loved. I really do love you. I just want you to know that I am willing to change, to adapt, to go through these hard times. I don't want to give up. Feeling like it's over just hurts me more.