Schildkröte

It hurts.

Getting my life back together.

I can't continue to live like this. I must study, get a new job and change my life. I made a quick plan list on my notebook:

It's a very simple list of things, but I believe they will allow me to improve myself and keep moving forward. The workout plan is very simple which is what I need to start this new habit. I'm a tall skinny guy (1.87m; 67kg), I have a healthy weight but could up it easily if I add some muscle. I am physically weak and I hope that by starting to do some exercises I can become stronger both physically and mentally. I have thought of incorporating some running to this routine but for now I'll keep things simple.

I need action in my life. I need to find a purpose, a project, a hobby, a person who I work for and towards in order to keep going. I've sucked up a lot of personal growth propaganda and I'm tired of it. I'm trying to avoid becoming a pessimist again, loosing hope in life brings you nowhere.

I'm regretting my career choices. I don't like engineering, I enjoy talking with people, I like solving real problems and life is simple. I don't care about integrals of closed surfaces. I believe you can do get great things with much simpler things. Most people just want simplicity in their lives. At least that's what I want. I don't want a new fancy laptop. I want something light with just enough power to run vim and a simple web browser. I want simplicity. I want more mechanical things in my life. A simple pocket watch, a typewriter, a flash light. I don't want a phone to all those things for me. It seems convenient but it just brings trouble. I want to keep things simple. I think about the times I've been in poorer countries and that with very simple improvements their lives could be significantly improved. Modern life is so full of luxuries and bullshit that simple things become complicated. This doesn't apply exclusively to physical processes and tasks but also to social interaction. I feel like nowadays you can't speak with most people without having to overthink what they will think or how it will make them feel and go through all the social norms which just complicate social interaction. I want a simple life.

I feel more isolated as time passes. When I was a kid I was surrounded by other people at school. I played with them, I talked with everyone: from students to teachers. When I did extracurriculars I also made friends and had to interact with others. As time passed and I went to high school everyone was already established in their little group myself included. Now, instead of interacting with 70% of the classroom on a daily basis I went to only speak with 20%. Then I moved on to uni, I don't know the vast majority of people, I wouldn't even recognize their name or faces most of the time. I know 5 people and that's it. I've occasionally spoken with others but after the conversation is over there is never a follow-up. People are nice when you get to know them, however a lot of people isolate themselves, it's hard to get people to initiate and I try my hardest to casually ask people how they are doing, to linger around social events, to include others in my group, still, I feel alone and isolated. You can enjoy socializing for a few hours, but those people never get to know you at a deeper level and neither do you to know them. I believe going into engineering was a major mistake as the atmosphere there is not ideal if you like social interactions. I also liked philosophy, law and finances. Maybe I need to consider changing.

Currently I work a fake job. It's fully remote, have a call with my boss once per week and I'm free to manage my time however I want as long as I finish my tasks by the deadline. It's so full of bureaucracy and doesn't actually help anyone. If I didn't have my current job literally nobody would notice. I don't bring anything useful to society. My current goal is to save up until I have 10k in my bank account and then I can focus on starting my own projects and contribute to society in some way.

For the longest time I've though of writing down my philosophy, my manifesto. I think this summer is a great time to work on it. Reflect on my personal perspectives, structure my thoughts and values. What do I want to do with my life? Who do I want to help? Do I want a family? What can I contribute? How can I redeem myself? I need to think less and act more.