Withdrawal symptoms.
The withdrawal starts to feel intense away. Today I got my grades back and I failed 4/6 subjects. After braking up I felt horrible, I had physical withdrawal symptoms which included high fever and didn't study anything during weeks. I got fully shafted. I feel my life going down the drain. Since we broke up I've cried three times for you. I know it may not sound like much to many people, but I find it really hard to cry. I haven't cried in the funeral of people I really cared about. It's hard for me to experience emotions. I detach very fast. I can not feel on demand, yet I've cried three times in a span of two weeks for you. I really care about you. I do. I need to fix things. I need you to know that I'm willing and capable of change. I need a second chance. I need to see you, to hug you. I still haven't told my parents about our break up because I still have hopes of us getting together despite how much you've hurt me. I dreamt of you so many times, I've idealized you, I tried to be a good boyfriend and yet I sucked. I'm not worthy of love and yet you loved me. I need you. I love you. I've hidden most things you gifted me but I still keep that drawing you made me for my 18th birthday in my room. I always told you I was against presents and you still gave me little things. I'm so broken. Some days I feel like I'm capable of moving on, I even think about not wanting to get back with you, and then, here I am, feeling distress because I'm unable to speak with you, to know about your life. Please, do trust me when I tell you that I want to get back together. The ball is in your court and you are not playing. You've messaged me a total of zero times since you decided to break up with me. You have zero regrets. Meanwhile, I doubt every decision, every message, every secret I confided in you. While I was navigating some tough times you broke my trust and decided to break up with me. I just want to tell you that I'm sorry for all the mistakes I made, but that I can't go on like this forever. You are misses perfect. You do everything well. Nothing is your fault and everything has to go your way. I'm sorry. I just want to feel loved. I want to feel like someone cares about me. I want someone to text me and to tell me about their day. I crave human connection. I'm isolated. I feel like shit. Everyone wants to be perfect. Everyone is so perfect. Everyone understands everything. Everyone gets to go on cool vacations and do fun things. I know I'm talking from an extremely privileged perspective, yet I can't stop to feel like I'm behind everybody else. I can't tell anyone I'm not okay. I told the only friend I have left and he just told me to live on and maybe try to talk back with you after 3 years. Hell no. I don't want that. I'm sorry, okay? I really am. I fucked up. I wish I knew how to listen to your needs better. I wish I knew how to express myself in a way that didn't hurt you. I wish so many things and I can't do anything about it now. Wishing is easy, taking action is hard. I feel so confused and alone. I want to help you and want to punch you. I need a hug. You are bad for me and I can't stop obsessing about you. You emotionally abused me and manipulated me into thinking I was crazy while you actively hid things from me. I'm just so confused. Why? Why couldn't you tell me those things? I trusted you with everything. Lucy, I really wish you came back. I love you. I want us both to do things right. I want to feel understood and to understand you. I want so little things and I've got none. I will wait, because you've asked me for space and time. On the 6th of July I will message you. It will have been 5 weeks since the last time I've contacted you and 7 weeks since you broke up with me. It's almost 2 months, so if I have a chance it's then. If even after two months you won't talk to me at all then I'll have to resort to more extreme measures as that would mean there is no coming back, ever.